A Review of my First #BundesligaSaturday

I’ve done some weird shit since quarantine has started. Gone on walks for fun. Dabbled in some of the low key dating apps like Farmer’s Only and JDate. Even got addicted to watching teenagers in Korea play League of Legends for a bit.

Worlds 2018: Meet the Teams

And today, I woke up at 6:30 AM Cali time to watch MY Schalke Miners play Dortmund in the first Bundesliga game since quarantine started.

And it felt fucking AMAZING.

Aside from the fact that Schalke got absolutely throttled and almost mercy ruled, I was on cloud 69. I pictured myself in the empty stands (no one was allowed to attend the game), taking pulls from the handle of vodka that I snuck in to the stadium, and talking shit to Dortmund supporters for being total pussys. I was googling fight songs during half time. I almost shotgunned my BANG energy drink.

I was back in on being a sports fan.

I was back in my happy place.

If there is one thing this quarantine has taught me its that life kinda blows without sports. If you would have told me ten years ago that i’d be waking up at 6:30AM to watch a German league soccer match, I would have probably poured the orginal four loko I was drinking over your head and kicked you in the dick.

Truth be told, i’m not much of a soccer guy. But I am a sports guy. And at this point I will take what I can get. Can’t wait for next #BundesligaSaturday.

GO SCHALKE*.

*Only reason i’m still supporting them is because I already purchased a fake Chinese Schalke jersey. Otherwise i’d probably be out. They kind of suck.

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I Created a Quarantine Themed UFC Drinking Game

Ever wanted to know what it’d feel like to get knocked out by Francis Ngannou without actually having to fight him? Well play my UFC drinking game and you’ll probably wake up feeling like you did.

The game is expertly crafted so that each participant is sufficiently lit after the first few fights. Only the most experienced booze hounds will survive til the end. Think you have what it takes?

Rules are simple. At the start of any UFC event, grab a group of bros, and follow the chart below:

Last man standing wins. Good luck to any and all brave enough to participate.

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