I Paid A Psychic To Draw My Soulmate

Guys. HUGE LIFE UPDATE. I found my soulmate.


This past weekend I paid $19 for a psychic on Etsy to draw and describe my soulmate. I’m 30 years old and haven’t been able to track her down yet, so I figured now would be a good time to employ some help. Since most of my time is spent pumping out tweets, taking naps and drinking White Claws these days, I really don’t have time to screen through the nine billion girls that exist to figure out which one of them is THE ONE. So $19 (same price as one case of White Claw + tax in San Diego) seemed like a pretty solid deal to me considering how much time and effort it would save me.

Here are the results:

Description (from the email I received): “She has a benevolent, patient, creative and emotional character. She also has high persuasion power.

She is very sensitive emotionally and her intuition is strong. She can easily recognize the intentions of the people around her.She always seeks good will and compassion in the people around her.She is not open to criticism, She has difficulties in accepting negative aspects.

Loves to travel. different countries enjoy seeing different cultures.

She is patient and hardworking in business life. Her job is psychologist and life coaching.

I wish you a very happy life without having to worry about anything. Best wishes :))”

Initial thoughts: So many more questions..what’s her favorite flavored McFlurry? Will she be alright with my gambling addiction?


Initial thoughts: Glad to know she exists. The fact that she doesn’t look very happy makes sense, considering I haven’t entered her life yet.

Not going to lie I was a little sketched out at first because the service I purchased on Etsy said it was a 12 hour turnaround time, but it took like three days to get to me. After the first 12 hours passed I chalked it up as a sign that I don’t actually have a soul mate, which was honestly a little devastating. But Esmerelda, my psychic, hit me back a few days later to let me know that she needed my birthday and gender before she could look in to her crystal ball and find the future Mrs. Watershow.

Once I gave her that, we were all gucci (phew).

Now that I know what she looks like it’s time to track her down. I re-downloaded all the dating apps and have been scrolling through Instagram for the past few hours and haven’t had any luck finding her. Considering taking drastic measures and buying a billboard somewhere if she doesn’t pop up on Famer’s Only soon. If you know who she is, PLEASE EMAIL ME. Anyone who assists in tracking her down so that I can let her in on the bad news that I am her soulmate will be invited to my bachelor party, wedding, and eventual divorce party.

Highly recommend this service to anyone BTW. Esmerelda is by far the best wingman i’ve ever had.

Is Nextdoor the Next Great Dating App?

Lets face it. Dating apps are broken. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Farmer’s Only are great if you’re a girl trying to collect Venmos from rando simps and score free dinners. But as a dude, you have a better chance of finding toilet paper at the grocery store right now than you do matching with a girl you actually find attractive/vibe with. 

And if i’m being totally honest, with a profile like this:

I figured i’d be booked with dates and sexual escapades until mid to late 2030. But unfortunately that hasn’t been the case. Things were looking bleak.

But then I discovered Nextdoor, what I believe to be America’s next great dating app.

Nextdoor is an app that connects you with people in your neighborhood. Primarily a place for Karens to congregate and gossip about which store manager they all think should get fired next, the app also lets you join groups and make posts that other people in your hood can see. It is not TECHNICALLY a dating app. But I think it has a lot of potential to be one.

Here is a great example of how the app can be used to score dates:

While what this dude might not be something Hitch or Ryan Gosling would recommend, i’m sure you can find your own, creative ways to impress your neighborhood crush with a post of your own. Here’s what I did:

Sure, I might not get a date out of this, but now the girls in my neighborhood know that 1) i’m a tequila guy 2) I like to party and 3) i’m in to organic shit and therefore care about the environment. So it’s really only a matter of time before someone comes up to me at the neighborhood grocery store and asks to make out with me right?

Shooting your shot has never been easier fellas. Download this app ASAP. Its a quarantine essential.

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